I unsubscribed from Torrid today
I received an email from Torrid today and, as is always the case, I scanned the discount they were advertising and swiped left to delete it.
I don’t remember when I signed up for them; I’m pretty neurotic about not adding my actual gmail address to any store mailing lists. 
Doesn’t matter. I get emails from Torrid from time to time. I scan them and delete them because, unless I’m on a mission to buy an exact item, shopping isn’t my thing anymore regardless of the super duper sales they send out.
There was a time I shopped because dressing for work was a priority. Even then, though, I was kind of lazy. “If, it fits, I’ll buy it in three colors. G’bye.”
Picture It On Canvas is a slight obsession and a frequent exception. Sometimes I order things because of the emails they send. I digress.
After I deleted the Torrid email today I had an aha moment. I can unsubscribe from Torrid because I’m not limited to shopping there anymore.
Holy crap. Holy non-scale victory.
I started an awesome nutrition plan in March and I’ve lost almost 40 pounds, shed more inches than I’ve kept track of and dropped several sizes. I know I’ve lost weight; I see it on the scale. I see it in the mirror (I actually seek out my reflection from time to time which is totally new for me.) I see it in the clothes I wear. I’m all about the thrift store/garage sale for new jeans and casual clothes these days.
I saw it when I shopped for a bathing suit for the first time in years last month. And bought one. Even sent two of my best friends a photo of me IN the suit IN the store with a cheesy grin on my face.
Before I went to Germany for Christmas I shopped for a few pieces to supplement my wardrobe and was sad (shocked, slightly amazed, grossed out) to realize the only things that fit were size 18, XXL and 1X.
When I packed for France in June everything I took was size 14 and Large.
Before you balk and say those aren’t sizes to brag about, I’m all kinds of stoked about those sizes. Deliriously happy. I have a new wardrobe in my own closet; much of it still in the dry cleaning bags it was in when I packed my condo up in 2010 to head to Afghanistan. A whole new free wardrobe.
It’s more than being smaller that excites me, though. I feel better than I have in years. My headaches are gone. My IBS is gone. I sleep better. I’m happier. I’m healthier. Hooray for an amazing superfood that arrives at my door, tastes great and changed my life. Actually changed my life.
Until I came home from Germany after the New Year, embarrassed to post photos of me with my friends and their kids, I didn’t realize how out of control my weight was and how it weighed on me emotionally. I didn’t realize how embarrassed I’d become about my weight, how withdrawn I’d been since moving to a new town last Fall.
I’d started a crazy cycle of quietly body shaming myself, filling my own head with negative thoughts, believing some of the shitty things some people who love me said to me or quipped in front of me and, in some cases, on my social media.
My brother has been steadfast in his love and support and encouragement to lose weight and be healthy. His words always come from a place of love. Others in my life were snide and called it love or, worse, humor.
Carrie and Burke nudged me until I finally decided to try the superfood they’d been talking about and I was almost immediately convinced. #howgratefulami #PoKnows
My friends love me regardless of my weight because I’m more than a number on the scale (I have awesome friends, see myriad previous posts) but now, for the first time in a long damn time, I love me too.
And that’s why it was such a big damn deal to unsubscribe from Torrid’s emails.
I need to clean out my closet* this weekend.
Writing,
JH
*that’s not a euphamism