Smokie and the Swingers

“Well your schedule is troubling; it doesn’t leave much time for us.”

Wait, what?

I met with two separate potential landlords last week; I’m moving but staying in the area while I finish school. Three quick semesters.

It seems my “furnished private room” without cats is pretty specific.

I didn’t mention non smoking, since the friends who connected me with these two opportunities know I don’t smoke. I’m all but allergic to smoke. Hindsight…

This woman was chain smoking when we sat down for tea to get acquainted. She used a cigarette to light a cigarette as I walked up. I should have kept going. Hindsight…

You know that thing when a smoker twists their mouth around to blow smoke discreetly away from a person they’re talking to?  Yeah.  It’s not discreet. It’s hard to stop watching, actually.

I answered her many questions about me without being too revealing and trying not to cringe as she manipulated her face to blow smoke over her shoulder.

I’ll be a full time student.

I don’t have kids or pets or loud parties.

I’m a freelance writer/editor/content manager.

I volunteer w/ a disaster relief organization.

Yes, volunteering is a hobby.

I’m gone a few weekends a month on service projects.

I feel like all of these things make me an ideal roomate!

This is when she expressed disproval of my schedule.

Us? I don’t understand what you mean, my schedule doesn’t leave time for us…  What do you mean us?

I tried hard to keep a straight face–she said she was looking for a companion, someone to spend time exploring the area with, not just a roommate.

Am I being punked? Do people still do that? Is that show still a thing? What are the odds?

I explained that’s the opposite of what I’m looking for, thanked her for her time, wished her luck and excused myself. She’s the cousin of a friend’s friend and I was desperate to leave the engagement as politely as possible.

I laughed when I got to my truck because that was the second time in a span of hours I’d had an awkward conversation about shared living space.

The first one was with a married couple; the husband works with a friend.  The three of us exchanged a series of emails and decided to meet and see if we were compatible. Easy, right?

Tea and coffee and some pleasantries. They seemed nice. I was impressed.  They asked some questions about my personal life.

I don’t smoke. (I almost screamed it)

I’ll be a full time student.

I don’t have kids or pets or loud parties.

I’m a freelance writer/editor/content manager.

I volunteer w/ a disaster relief organization.

I’m gone a few weekends a month on service projects.

All of these things make me an ideal roomate, right?
I felt like I was talking too much, realized I should ask more about them when the wife smiled and squeezed his shoulder.

Dude says, and I can’t make this up, “We’re excited to see your body matches your personality.”

Wait, what?  So my personality is curvy bordering on robust and needs some toning or do you mean my body is direct and unfiltered and kinda funny? What does that mean?

“I mean we have an open marriage and we wanted to add to that dynamic; it’s why we started looking for a tenant. We liked your personality in the emails we’ve exchanged and we think you’d be a great fit for us.”

Uh, yeah dude. No. That’s not my thing. I don’t share well, and if I’m honest, neither of you are my type. You do you, though.

Oh crap. My filter…

Um, I mean, I’m just looking for a roomate, but thanks? 

How quickly can robust and unfiltered move, you might ask?

I didn’t run but I left in a hell of a hurry. All I could think was, “you wear a uniform to work, man. I know who you ARE and where you WORK.  Noooooo… Out out, damn spot.”

Funny, then, when a friend texted the next day.  “You haven’t posted on FB lately; how ya doing?”

I’m well. working through VA stuff, looking for a new living space… excited about school starting. 

I shared the amusing details from earlier that week. 

She texted a couple days later and said, “I think I found you a place. Separate entrance and has been told you don’t want a friend.”

I laughed as I responded; love that she told this potential landlord right up front I’m “not looking for friends.”

I mean, I’m not antisocial, but I not on the prowl for a new best friend and certainly not live-in sexual partners.

Keep your fingers crossed; third times a charm.

Writing,

JH