I went to Portland a few weeks ago to celebrate the Marine Corps Birthday with some friends.
When I arrived my friend’s mom explained they’d recently purchased new living room furniture. Great deal, couldn’t pas it up. The only problem was they hadn’t figured out what to do with their existing living room set. It was all there in the same room. I asked, while we all sat on the front couch and watched a movie, if they had any objection to me getting rid of the stuff in the morning. Sure, her mom said. “How” is what her dad wanted to know. Craig’s List. I’ll put it on Craig’s List and they’ll be gone before the end of the day.
Posted: 14 days ago
Fluffy is the new black (FREE Sleeper Sofa w/ Two Matching Chairs) (West Linn)
I never thought this day would come. After years with this family I’m suddenly not wanted. After the holidays we’ve shared, the endless movies we’ve watched together, season after season of less than stellar television shows… and I was here for them. Graduation parties, birthday parties, family game night. None of that seems to matter to The Family.
I never complained, never made snarky comments about their combined weight, never posted any of their photos on awkward family photo websites. I kept their secrets. I allowed my frame to be unfolded night after night when their friends needed somewhere to sleep.
I missed the signs. First it was a new color of paint on the accent wall. Then it was whispered discussions late at night with catalogs and websites open. Imagine the audacity of sitting ON me and discussing REPLACING me. Why didn’t I see this coming? WHY? One minute I’m hosting family functions and then a new couch arrives. And a new love seat. And matching … I can’t. I just can’t explain it. “Sleeker lines,” they said. “Fluffier cushions,” I heard. “Lighter to move,” they explained.
My cushions are screaming, begging for someone new to love me. How is it possible to simply be upgraded? Cast aside for a fluffier model? A FLUFFIER MODEL!!
I’ve made a decision. I’m taking the two chairs who’ve been part of MY family for so long and we’re sitting on the porch. We’re looking for a new home with people who value us for who we are. All of us. That’s my promise to my sister-chairs. I won’t go anywhere without them. I’ll stay loyal to the end, even if The Family wants fluffier cushions and plaid. (who wants PLAID?)
My sisters are in great condition and I’m a bit worn but have plenty of life and love to give. You might need to replace my mattress; all those years of dedicated and loyal service to The Family left it a bit threadbare.
I’m going to stop talking and post some photos. It’s not a selfie, since I don’t have hands or opposable thumbs. Their current house guest understands our plight and snapped these clandestine photos. I’m using her email and we need to be gone before The Family comes home. We’re free. You just have to agree to take all three* of us AND enjoy us. Hurry. They’re coming back this afternoon.
*Just to be spiteful, if you come right away you can have the two accent cushions on my right arm. The Family talked about keeping them to recover and use with the new couch. Hunh-uh. We’re taking those little fellas with us!
- Location: West Linn
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Posting ID: 4183354827 Posted: 14 days ago Updated: 6 days ago
I posted photos and I knew someone would snatch them up in a heartbeat. What I didn’t anticipate was the people who responded “to” Couch.
I couldn’t imagine what you must be going through, but don’t worry, the world and especially the area of Portland is full of good families and I’m sure one will find you and you can start making new memories with them. Good luck to you and your sisters. I would love to take you all in to my home but I’m still in a transitional period of my life and wouldn’t feel comfortable taking you in without more stability. Bty your all beautiful. Keep your heads up! Or cushions?
From the way you’ve described your original “family” I’m thinking whoever it is you end up making comfy tonight will have flower scented flatulence. … unlike you know who.
Love your ad.
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
This one touched Couch right in the cushions, so he wrote back:
Words cannot express my appreciation for your sentiments. (but I’ll try)
The sisters and I are already on our way to our new home in North Portland! The first guy who wrote said he liked my sense of humor AND didn’t care about the wear and tear on my cushions.
He’s going to put us in his new movie room! That sounds exciting. He even brought tie-down straps so my sisters and I wouldn’t fall out of the truck on the freeway.
I mention this because its a clear indicator he cares. Well, it could mean any number of things, really, but I’ve decided to see it as a sign of his deep felt concern for my well being.
I hope your transition goes well. Life is full of transitions, I know. (boy do I know!)
The Family’s houseguest is from California and last night they all talked about some recent transitions she’d made.
It’s interesting. She said her stuff was still in storage; I dropped subtle (like a brick) hints I’d go home with her (she smelled pretty good) but she said this isn’t the time for her to get new furniture.
I should get away from the computer and spend time with my new family.
I hope I don’t find out right away what their flatulence smells like. Hopefully. Not on the first sit down.
Thanks for taking the time to write. It was perfectly timed and the sisters and I appreciate the motivation.
I hope you find a well deserving couch when you’re more settled.
I would love to have this” Family” of well loved members. Unfortunately we do not have a way to come and receive you and welcome you into our home and make you part of our family. I love the writing anyway. I just had to respond to the beautiful words. Thank you.
Thanks for your encouraging note, Peggy. It’s nice to feel appreciated. Someone names Louis is on his way to get us and give us a new forever home.
So, I guess, second.. are you still waiting on the porch with your sisters? I have a home that you will be loved & cherished for many years to come. Let me know, would love to come get you guys 🙂
I forgot to pull the post and ended up with about 250 responses. Several of them were people who simply wrote to say they appreciated the humor. Made me realize I’m not the only person out there who peruses Craig’s List just to laugh.